well well

I haven't posted anything for a long-long time, shame on me! There are so many things I could write about if this blog was a real diary or a forum to keep my friends updated (and these were my intensions when I created it).
I can't make it up to You my dear friends, not now.
But I can list the most important things since my last post:
1. I was in Strassbourg, visited Kristof and Sari, and a had a great great time.
2. I have been extremly happy with my girlfriend.
3. Started to look for a job.
4. Have been extremly happy with my girlfriend.
5. Passed a crucial exam so it seems that I can graduate this year.
6. Again, I am very happy with Zsuzsi (You know, my girlfriend).

My life is changing rapidly. Right now, ot within days I have to decide where to start to work in August (or September). I feel nervous about it as this is a very significant step in my life, and I really don't know what to choose, or wether it matters what I choose. And I am quite unceratin about the whole stuff, if I am ready to work for a company that is really demanding, if I will be able to live up to the expectations?!
I am excited, happy and nervous. That's what I wanted, that's what I want but I am still scared. I want someone to tell me what to do, but deeep inside I know that no one can tell me anything that would help. I have to make my own decision, and then stick to it and hope the bests.

This is a stupid post but might help me to get rid off some of the steam in my head :-) I will tell You what I decided...

Oh, and to finish with something good. On Thursday I will fly to Israel to visit Shereen, a very good friend. I can't wait to see her, to explore Jerusalem, and to get away for a few days.

I will put some photos later, I like to place photos in my posts, (there need to be something meaningful and interesting here, huh?!) just I don't have the patience now to select and upload them.

That's it, thanks for visiting!

De szeretnék én is hej jó sokáig élni...

I don't like new years. I feel the need to decide and promise (myself) that I will do something better in my life...

There is actually one new thing, I have been listening Kispál és a borz, a band surprisingly unheeded so far by Your Humble Narrator. I attribute my newly find attractaion to Anna... I should express my gratitude one day... not that it matters - that's the good thing about her... and the bad...
The weather on Tenerife is nice lukewarm, about 20 Celsisus with pale sunshine and smooth breeze that strokes Your skin.
Kristóf left for Strassbourg yesterday, so I am here again without him, this is cruel, I realized how much I missed him when he was here. At least we bought the tickets to ensure I finally get to France for a visit at the end of the month.
Friday was a day worth to mention. We got into a pub with Kristóf and decided to try drinks we never had before. The experiment went on pretty well but we had to halt it becuase he had to go to theatre. As Szabolcs forgot about me and settled on the other side of the city I looked for other companion end ended up in an other institution with Vera. We planned to have panckaes (she was supposed to invite me actually) but we had a hot chocolate (white) and a beer instead (maybe next time). It was good to see her, it is always good to see old friends I switch immeditely into an other state of mind and just listen with a silly smile on my cheek. She had to leave quite soon to make dinner for her boyfriend :-)
Szabolcs seemed to be stuck so I tried my luck again but Anna was out of reach and Csabi on the train home... and... well... I more or less ran out of the list of people I wished to spend my night and felt that I had chance to convince. There was no sense in trying with Tomi or Zsolt, they are out of the era when You can just call on them and meet within minutes... now I need appointment if I want to meet them.
Tenerife is one of the seven Canary Islands, it has the highest peek in Spain (Teide 3717 m), a volcano. Don't worry it won't errupt any time soon.
While heading home I was wondering if I had enough friends... and decided that I had, this that part I have no right to complain about, I am really spoiled with the company and friendship of wonderful people... Unfortunately many of them live far away... I must find the way to go to Shereen's wedding, it has been circulating in my head sicne I got the invitation.
I found my way back to books. I was worried that I lost my ability to submerge into a book, but I am ok, Vonnegut, Zweig, Vámos and Anna Gavalda (just to have something that helps me appreciate the others).
Tenerife is 4,5 half hours away by plane from Budapest. With other words: it's fucking far from here, and as I am sitting in Budapest and Zsuzsi is wandering around there - my mood is very volatile - that's the least I can say...
This is a terribly boring post, I am gonna have to rewrite it... but now I want to get back to my Vonnegut...
...De szeretnék én is hej jó sokáig élni
Nézni ,hogy lánykákból nő aztán meg néni...

Az egek felé kiáltottam, Rosszat soha nem akartam!

Maybe happiness is the only feeling that does not need to be justified. I am glad to inform You that I am happy. On Saturday I went to an Edda concert, I hadne't been at any for two years before that. And it was so great, so wonderful. The old folks really pulled themselves together and performed a real show, with huge screens in the back and great great live music! I wonder why don't they do always like this, but it didn't matter at the time. I came out unable to talk, to hear and dying of thirst... and god damn happy!

By the way, I celebrated my 25th birthday on Wednesday. It was a lovely day. You made it lovely, who called me and sent me greetigs from all over Europe. I woke up paralyzed. The day before Natacha convinced me to do something special on The Day and that seemed to be a great idea. Just to put things in practice has never been my strongest feature. So I killed the morning doing nothing and feeling bad about doing nothing (what is very stupid regarding the fact that I usually like doing nothing). Then I cleaned my room (neW) went to the gym to work out a bit (nEW) and then spent the eveining with my hm. girlfriend(?) (NEW)! So I met all the expectations, and then I got the calls, mails, letters, I was really moved by enjoying such flow of emotions, greetings... It felt really good to be Peter / Petya / Peti.
I also remembered my 24th birtday which I spent working in Norway driving aroud by a truck

with Jens emptying clothes containers in freezing conditions and having a great deal of ice-cream just to "warm-up" and celebrate :-)
I will never forget that day! Likewise won't I forget my birthday party just days before in Hornsjoe, with my self-madde cake(!) sitting in the cafeteria.. long long Norwegian nights...
Well, let me wish You all who pass by here Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year

As it is in Heaven

I downloaded my favourite film! I saw it four times when it ran in cinemas. During downloading I was checking on the percentage and the remaining time again and again. I just couldn't wait! Then it finally arrived, and turned out that I got the Swedish version without subtitels. Ok, the movie itslef is Swedish (Sa som i himmelen) so in a way it's fair enough, but in the file name the title is in English. I anyway watched it, what could I do?! Then to compansate myself I watched Lost in translation right after. Now it's finished, the time is 2:15 a.m.
On Sunday I woke up late and with hangover, not that I mind, the night was great, my first stag party ever (Congratulations Geri!), it really is a cool event and Geri is a cool guy who deserves all the bests, so let's wish him all the bests!
So, I only had time for a quick shower and a fast lunch (toast with cheese) before leaving for the theatre. I hate that I am so critical lately but I just can't get to a proper play, can anyone help me?!

But there are good news: Isabel is back from India (Wilkommen!), Natacha is getting cafe latte with foam (and without sugar), and Hanna promised to tell me about my destiny. All these in one single, sleepy, dark, wet, unfriendly...... Sunday.
There were other things last week worth to mention (I lost my blue hat! I lost it! How could I?.... On the same night I had carbonara, what a carbonara! - Roller coaster indeed!) but not now, maybe tomorrow, or later... or never.
I just write this because I don't want to finish with the word "never" brings bad karma.
And this becasue I don't want to finsih with "bad karma".
You are never alone with Your schizophrenia!

Peter flakes

Honestly I wanted to write here. I logged in and started my post. Then this stupid feeling came that it was my obligation to put here something nice, smart or deep. And as I consider myself the biggest enemy of any obligations... I quit the job.

Present situation: mind is clear, I am sick, tired and quite not in the mood to care about anything but entertaining myself with posting something. Anything. Whatever... and random...

Thursday: went to Veszprém to visit my brother (half) and my nephew (also half but considered full). He is one and a half now and I haven't seen him since December (wasn't aroun, huh!). We arrived and attacked the poor fellow fighting for his attention. He basically gave a shit about us, strangers, didn't even bother himself with getting scarred. Cool kid, but I hope he will get a brother or sister a.s.a.p. otherwise he will be inevitably spoiled like hell. I was wondering a bit about my family: I have this half brother I have never in my life had a real conversation as far as I can remember. I like him a lot and he really is a great guy, smart, lazy and calm. We used to have summer holidays together, besides I see 3-4 times a year. Not much, but I count on him. Then I have my half sister who must be 14 now and - as she was also there - I tried to figure out what do I think about her. Well... actually nothing. She is just a girl who attends these family gatherings and I always ask her about school havinfg no better idea what to talk about. We have very little in common and even if we have I am not much intereted right now to find it. I couldn't help feeling disappointed and ashamed.

Just a little bit back in time, Monday. I was sitting in an institution called Monyo famous for a drink with the same name, that consists of vodka, raspberry syrup and tabasco. Since September I have become a regular there, almost part of the furniture I would say. Well, I am exaggerating of course and even worse! I do it on purpose. Hey, keep an eye on me, I am cheating!
Anyway, it was a peacful evening I was surrounded by nice people: friends and would be friends (it takes time for me to make friends). Then then out of the blue the whole night turned upside down. I started to sense that something was going wrong and I helplessly tried not to pay attention hoping that by this I can stop it evolving. There are those situtaions You wonder how to react or behave - with the certainty that You won't live up to the challenge.

Ok, time machine reloded, Friday. Not far from here I huge building is under demolition and I decided to havea closer look and eventually take some photos. I suffered some delay because in order to accomplish this mission I needed to recharge my batteries. My life is not like a stupid action movie I have my little delays. Maybe that's why I prfefer art movies. Anyway, aprroached the target area (actually I pass by at least twice a day as it's on my way to the Metro) took my cam from the pocket and I had this weird feeling (most of my feelings are kind of weird, maybe I should visit a psychiatrist) as if I was doing something illegal. You know this sense of guilt, I wanted to hide what I was doing. And of course it was self-fulfilling prophecy. Very soon I became kindly surrounded by two of theses low-cost security crews. They had approximately around 8 teeth... together. But even with this outfit they were highly capable to advise me to fuck off. They told me that I was taking photos of a private property (Spanish!!!). Then a real gem came, I can still recall it: "If You don't not want to be beaten up badly (badly!!!) You'd better push Your bike away (I was on foot)" I told them that I was a lawyer (LIAR!!!) and that I knew my rights very well (not exactly true). I tried to look confident but I wasn't! Then they started to shout so I shouted back and at this point I realized that they did not dare to hit me - no matter how many teeth they had. But it was anyway a disturbing incident. I don't want to have a long monologue about democracy and freedom rights but next time I want to take a photo somewhere in the city I will certainly have the same feeling as I had here at the begining and that's not ok, that's not how I want to live. These guys I could handle but they are not the problem rather the sypmtoms of a rotten system. JEEEEEEZ!

List of inconveniences:
1. I haven't talked to Kristóf for almost two weeks.
2. I haven't even sent him birthday greetings.
3. I still don't know Hanna's new address in Venice.
4. I still haven't visited a dentist.
5. I still haven't rented out my flat.
6. I still don't have any idea what to write my diploma work about.

God is great!

Morrison's Pub, Jamie Winchester...

I did not want to go at all. I wanted to stay at home and stay sober at least for this one night... But it was good. Very good...

"..What if God was one of us..."

Do You believe in crime without punishment?

If in doubt ask Fyodor... or Woody (sorry, I watched Matchpoint yesterday).

Over 1000, under 75

Last Thursday I visited a gym for the first time since I am back . The story behind the story:I lost 7 kg in India, but I checked it out and I was 71, means I got back 4 already. Not bad in two months, or... too bad. Anyway I let myself persuaded by my brother to join him for a so called spinning class. I had to simply ride a bike (without wheels of course). There was a rather attractive lady walking around and checking on us as we had to wear a gadget that showed almost every details on a watch from our pulse to the calories we burnt... bla-bla. I found it funny except for the fact that my butt (what is a polite word for this?) is still aching as the seat of of my "cycle" wasn't particularly comfortable. According to my personal device I burnt 600 calories, from which 55% was fat... They have by the way mirrors all over so I suspect that this is a club for exhibicionist people. And they also have disco-lights but for that I can hardly imagine any explanations, who wants to ride a bike in a disco?!
On Saturday I visited the Hundertwasser exhibition with Csabi (also known as Tangókirály). I have heard a lot about the guy, and I have been lucky enough to see some of his buildings in Wien. And I remember vividly when I visited Shereen and arrived to Uelzen and had a glance at the railway - station. The first thought came to my mind was: "It must be a Hundertwasser" and so it was. I spent 20 minutes only in the toilet... think whatever You want ;-) I really admire those who can keep thier idealism despite of the regularly discouraging majority, those who follow thier own paths even if it leads to the unknown. In his case I even like his art and sympathtize with his environmentalist ideas. Maybe that's why I found the exhibition a little bit poor. It focuses on Hundertwasser the painter, but even in this particular area has little to offer, I can recall around 5-6 really good works. Anyway I had plenty of memories woken up seeing his works, so all in all it has worth it.

p.s. Mr Kaczynski's Law and Justice (PiS) party lost the elections in Poland to the liberal Civic Platform (PO). Good news :-)

The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had

This morning I was woken up by an SMS (lately I don't switch off my mobile for the night, God knows why). I learnt from the message that my ex-girlfriend, Marta gave birth to her first child (Orsolya, 4 kg, 58 cm Wish You a nice and happy life sweetheart!). I had been expecting this news for a weeks, but when it actually arrived... well, ok... first of all I went back to bed...
But later on, during the day I found myself staring at the words. I still haven't answered, I guess I seem to be quite impolite, but I hope that she knows me better than that (still). I am very happy about her/them, that's absolutely clear. And yeah, I am also envy. I envy the situation having someone with whom we can trust each other so much that we decide to have a child. I don't know, I have always been crazy about this kind of security, I built a huge myth around it, and it still haunts.
I have this image in my head that I will build a big house with a fireplace and even my grandchildren will live there (at least one of them). And I keep all the books I have ever read around me. And I always expect that all my friendships and grilfriends will last forever. Inside my little mind I build everyting for the eternity.

One night I was sitting on a tram looking out of the window. It was dark outside so it worked more like a mirror all things inside the tram reflected on it. A couple was sitting on the other side and they leaned close to each other to kiss. In this mirror of mine however the girl leaned forward and reached my face and kissed ME! I almost fell down from my seat, I was dizzy and walked home with a big smile on my face.

Other night, waiting for the bus. A car came with big noise and obviously with far greater speed than it's allowed. As it approached me, I thought that the driver would lose controll and hit me. It was a sudden and strong feeling, for a second I was really sure that I would die. And I felt so empty, it was as if cold air filled my stomach, time slowed down. I had no other thought than Finito. I think I was sad a bit. I stood there waiting for my destiny to drag me away. Then the car passed and everything was blown away; the emptiness, the cold air... and I remained in the bus stop with a bit of disappointment.

Same sleepless night

I have run out of words... so I turned to the masters to speak for me...

Karollak, vonlak s mégsem érlek el,
Itt a fehér csönd, a fehér lepel.
Nem volt ilyen nagy csönd még soha tán,
Sikolts belé, mert mindjárt elveszünk,
Állunk és várunk, csüggedt a kezünk
A csókok és könnyek alkonyatán.
Sikoltva, marva bukjék rám fejed
S én tépem durván bársony-testedet.
Nagyon is síma, illatos hajad,
Zilálva, tépve verje arcomat.
Fehér nyakad most nagyon is fehér,
Vas-ujjaim közt fesse kékre vér.
Ragadjon gyilkot fehér, kis kezed:
Megállt az élet, nincsen több sora,
Nincs kínja, csókja, könnye, mámora,
Jaj, mindjárt minden, minden elveszett.
Fehér ördög-lepel hullott miránk,
Fehér és csöndes lesz már a világ,
Átkozlak, téplek, marlak szilajon,
Átkozz, tépj, marj és sikolts, akarom.
Megöl a csend, ez a fehér lepel:
Űzz el magadtól, vagy én űzlek el.

Torso

What a day!

Ich muss mein Leben ändern!

Herr Rilke, could You please help me!?

Anyone else?